Posts Tagged ‘ XplodingUnicorn ’

Unicorn Bites #563

November 29, 2014
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2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt. Me: Don’t lick the dog. 2: He licked me first. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 17, 2014 Me: *reads classic children’s book “Are You My Mother”* 4-year-old: Is there…

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Unicorn Bites #560

November 26, 2014
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Wife: Do I need to wear makeup today? Me: Nah. Nobody’s going to look at you Wife: Me: I mean you’re pretty without it Wife: Nailed it. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 14, 2014 /blockquote><…

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Unicorn Bites #558

November 24, 2014
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I asked my 4-year-old to draw a chicken. She drew four nuggets and a bottle of ketchup. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 12, 2014 Me: I did the dishes. Wife: You put one cup in…

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Unicorn Bites #557

November 20, 2014
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Relationship status: I sent my wife a Facebook invite to a party in my pants. She chose “will not attend.” — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 11, 2014 Me: I meant to do that. Wife: You…

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Unicorn Bites #556

November 19, 2014
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My 2-year-old just shouted, “What the hell?!” I’d be mad, but she said it when we ran out of Cheez-Its, so it seemed appropriate. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 10, 2014 4-year-old: Why don’t you…

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Unicorn Bites #555

November 18, 2014
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Me: Time to get out of bed. 4-year-old: Why? At the end of the day, I’ll just get back in it. Me: 4: Me: *goes back to bed* — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 9, 2014…

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Unicorn Bites #551

November 14, 2014
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2-year-old: I don’t want to eat my pork chop! Me: Name one thing that’s wrong with it. 2-year-old: It’s not pizza. Touché. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 5, 2014 500,000 teens followed a random Target…

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Unicorn Bites #549

November 12, 2014
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4-year-old: Is Santa real? Me: No. 4: The Easter bunny? Me: No. 4: Spider-Man? Me: You better hope Spider-Man didn’t hear that. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 3, 2014 Me: When you’re older, what do…

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Unicorn Bites #547

November 11, 2014
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A group of lions is called a pride. A group of crows is called a murder. A group of NASCAR fans is called a trailer park. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 1, 2014 We’d have…

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Unicorn Bites #546

November 10, 2014
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If you watch “The Incredible Hulk” backwards, it’s the story of an angry bodybuilder who calms the fuck down and gets his life together. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 31, 2014 My kids challenged me…

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