Posts Tagged ‘ XplodingUnicorn ’

Unicorn Bites #545

November 10, 2014
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Instead of Halloween, our Christian daycare has “pajama day.” They’re about to find out my 4-year-old sleeps in a bloody zombie costume. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 30, 2014 Me: That shirt makes you look…

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Unicorn Bites #544

November 10, 2014
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4-year-old: What’s hope? Me: The first stage of disappointment. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 29, 2014 How women plan a party: 1) Pick a theme 2) Make decorations 3) Cook festive foods How men plan…

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Unicorn Bites #538

November 6, 2014
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4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed. Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed. 4: Me: *sprints to the toaster* — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 24, 2014 Me: Why do you have…

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Unicorn Bites #534

October 28, 2014
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4 y.o: Why do the Ninja Turtles have a fat head like you? Me: I don’t have a fat head. 4: Me: 4: Why don’t you know you have a fat head? — Exploding Unicorn…

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Unicorn Bites #532

October 26, 2014
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Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly. 4-year-old: That’s it? Me: What did you want it to be? 4: A dragon. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 18, 2014 *doesn’t let daughters…

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Unicorn Bites #531

October 24, 2014
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Boss: Why is your 5-year plan just a blank page with “wing it” written in purple crayon? Me: I couldn’t find my red one. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 16, 2014 I believe in giving…

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Unicorn Bites #530

October 23, 2014
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Me: What do bunnies eat? 4-year-old: Grass. Me: What do lions eat? 4: Meat. Me: What do eagles eat? 4: Freedom. Damn right. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 15, 2014 4-year-old: Why aren’t we driving?…

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Unicorn Bites #529

October 22, 2014
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Me: *unloads the groceries* 4-year-old: You forgot to buy cookies. Me: I didn’t want to buy cookies. 4: Now she knows monsters are real. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 14, 2014 Me: Every single one…

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Unicorn Bites #528

October 21, 2014
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Me: I could survive alone in the woods. Wife: You left a picnic early because you forgot your ChapStick. I’m not an animal. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 13, 2014 4-year-old: Does this movie have…

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Unicorn Bites #527

October 20, 2014
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2-year-old:*wakes me up* What’s that sound? Me: What sound? 2: A taco Me: 2 Me:*grabs baseball bat* There’s a fucking taco in my house — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 12, 2014 [at church] 4-year-old: This…

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