Unicorn Bites 3/16/14
3-year-old: Daddy, are you stronger than a gorilla? Me: Is there one here? 3: No. Me: Then yes. Absolutely yes. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 16, 2014 3-year-old: What happens if my brain falls out? […]
Tag: fathers
Unicorn Bites 3/10/14
Wife: I said to dress our toddler in tights Me: I did W: Those are leggings I have no idea what I did wrong, so I apologized & took a nap — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) […]
Unicorn Bites 2/28/14
1-year-old: *pees in the potty for the first time* Me: You’re a big girl now! 1: Yeah! Me: Rent is due on the 1st. Don’t be late. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 28, 2014 Me: […]
Unicorn Bites 2/23/14
My 1-year-old daughter said, “awesome,” and then put up her hand for a high-five. Apparently I’m raising a bro. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 24, 2014 Bad news would be easier to take if doctors […]
Unicorn Bites 2/15/14
If a female tennis star grunts, it’s OK, but if I do it, I’m “causing a scene at the air hockey table.” Now I’m banned from Chuck E. Cheese. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 15, […]
Unicorn Bites 2/14/14
Wife: What did you get me for Valentine’s Day? Me: The gift of being married to me. You’re all invited to my funeral. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 14, 2014 After dying due to mechanical […]
A Lesson in Humor: If You Can Laugh, When You Lose Your Nads…
My dad had a great sense of humor. He showed me many times the value of being able to laugh at yourself and the world around you. When he was diagnosed with late-stage metastatic cancer […]
Smurf Me! It’s Smurfing Porn!
A man in Stockton, CA rented The Smurfs 2 from a Red Box machine. Even though the disc had the correct label, it turned out to be a hardcore porn movie. In related news, there has […]
Unicorn Bites 12/11/13
Me: Don’t say "fart." 3-year-old: Is it a bad word? Me: You’re fucking right it is. — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 11, 2013 Surgeons can now replace damaged human heart values with pig […]
Unicorn Bites 11/25/13
My 3-year-old wiped out twice in her princess costume's high heels but kept wearing them because they’re pretty. She’s officially a woman. — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 25, 2013 My phone hasn’t been […]