Unicorn Bites 5/11/14
3-year-old: MY FINGERS ARE TURNING INTO OLD PEOPLE! I left her in the bathtub too long. Childhood is terrifying. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 12, 2014 “I want a man who loves me for my […]
Tag: funny
Turn and Serve
I often think about myself. One time I thought about nothing but myself for 17 years, 11 months days, 30 days and 59 minutes. And then without any prior notice, a minute later, I turned […]
One Awesome Read
I scare people. It isn’t because I’m a scary person but when the inevitable happens and the inevitable will happen and people compare themselves to me, it makes them feel bad about themselves. This is perfectly […]
Unicorn Bites 5/9/14
Wife: Want sex? Me: Yes. I don’t know what you’ve done with my wife, but never bring her back. And that’s how you blow a sure thing. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 9, 2014 My […]
I’m In Love With Mr. Yippee
“Why is there a gigantic sex toy sitting on your dining room table?” Mark asked recently. “That’s not a gigantic sex toy,” I said. “It’s a Wahl Hot & Cold Therapy Massager.” “Which is?” “An […]
Praying for an accident.
Jill Y and I had one of our hourly arguments. I said I was better than her and she begged to differ. The begging didn’t stop there either. She said she was a better person […]
Unicorn Bites 5/8/14
Priest: Do you take her until death do you part? Me: Unless she poops with the door open Priest: Me Priest: Me: Priest: Well obviously — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 8, 2014 Me: You look […]
Personal Hygiene Products – Men and Women
They don’t call me MacGyver and that’s because I’m not good with my hands. Give me a glove and I’ll know what to do with it but ask me to fix the flux capacitor and […]
Unicorn Bites 5/7/14
Dorothy from “The Wizard of Oz” taught kids it’s OK to kill two women as long as they’re ugly and no one likes them. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 7, 2014 I ate a whole […]