Unicorn Bites 5/9/14
Wife: Want sex? Me: Yes. I don’t know what you’ve done with my wife, but never bring her back. And that’s how you blow a sure thing. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 9, 2014 My […]
Tag: boss
Unicorn Bites 5/6/14
I don’t always slam on my brakes, but when I do, it’s because some asshole is driving a Crown Victoria that looks like a cop car. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 6, 2014 It’s such […]
Unicorn Bites 5/4/14
My stages of drunk: 1) I don’t feel buzzed. 2) I’m drunk, but I’ll pretend I’m not. 3) Fuck it. I’m wearing a kilt. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 4, 2014 Me: I DON’T HAVE […]
Unicorn Bites 4/20/14
3-year-old: Can we do this? Me: What did Mommy say? 3: No Me: Then why would I say yes? 3: Because she’s not the boss of you Checkmate. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 20, 2014 […]
Unicorn Bites 4/18/14
Boss: What are you doing? Me: Sitting on a potato. Him: Me: Him: Me: Him: It won’t hatch into vodka. Me: YOU DON’T KNOW THAT — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 18, 2014 Wife: Put away […]
Unicorn Bites 4/15/14
3-year-old daughter: *watches me type* That’s the wrong letter Me: You can’t read 3: But I know when you’re wrong. She’s already a woman. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 15, 2014 Boss: Bear in mind- […]
Unicorn Bites 4/7/14
My 1-year-old’s favorite game on my phone is the one where she closes the game & sends gibberish text messages. Now my boss thinks I do meth — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 7, 2014 Wife: […]
Unicorn Bites 4/1/14
I don’t recycle because if I set aside all my empty bottles and cans I’d have to admit I’m an alcoholic. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 1, 2014 I’ve been drinking coffee for so long […]
Unicorn Bites 3/3/14
Me: *rotates spreadsheets 90 degrees* The tables have turned! Boss: Do you have any actual data in this presentation? Nope. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 3, 2014 South African Oscar Pistorius says he shot and […]
Unicorn Bites 2/25/14
Wife: You’re the worst husband ever. Me: This is such an honor. Wife: It’s not a real award. Me: *pulls out acceptance speech* — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 25, 2014 Ladies, your long, pedicured nails […]