Unicorn Bites 2/15/14
If a female tennis star grunts, it’s OK, but if I do it, I’m “causing a scene at the air hockey table.” Now I’m banned from Chuck E. Cheese. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 15, […]
Tag: three year old
Unicorn Bites 2/14/14
Wife: What did you get me for Valentine’s Day? Me: The gift of being married to me. You’re all invited to my funeral. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 14, 2014 After dying due to mechanical […]
Unicorn Bites 2/2/14
Me: *puts 3-year-old’s hair in a ponytail* 3: Daddy, that’s fairy hair! I want to be a princess. I’m a terrible father. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 2, 2014 Good call on the commercials, fancy […]
Unicorn Bites 1/27/14
3-year-old: Daddy, what is your job? Me: I sit in a cubicle all day and try not to be sad. 3: Apparently I was supposed to lie. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 27, 2014 *1-year-old […]
Unicorn Bites 1/23/14
Me: I know everything. Ask me any question. 3-year-old: How do airplanes work? Me: Magic. Next question. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 23, 2014 I always knew I’d end up drunk in a gutter. I […]
Unicorn Bites 1/22/14
3-year-old: *calls out in the middle of the night* I have to pee Me: Then pee 3: *pees* Me: I MEANT IN THE TOILET! Always be specific — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 22, 2014 My […]
Unicorn Bites 1/17/14
3-year-old: There’s a monster in my closet. Me: No, he’s in the pantry. 3: Me: He only eats kids. She’ll never open my Cheetos again. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 17, 2014 I don’t know […]
Unicorn Bites 12/29/13
Women are hard to read. The same polite smile can mean “I’m happy” or “I’m going to hit you with my car.” — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 29, 2013 My wife and kids […]
Unicorn Bites 12/26/13
Me: Where’s Ken? 3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him. I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl. — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 26, 2013 […]
Unicorn Bites 12/25/13
I overheard my 3-year-old say, “I love your mustache.” When we got home I gave her ice cream because she said it to my mother-in-law. — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 25, 2013 Divorce […]