The Place to Take a Humor Break
My 3-year-old daughter thinks I can turn invisible and catch her when she’s bad. I hope she still believes that when she’s dating. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 6, 2014 3-year-old daughter: *watches a chick-flick […]
People who don’t believe in anything really bug me. Mostly because they’re a snore, but also because it speaks to the egotistical manner by which we humans approach life. The other day my son boldly […]
A family in Sweden is celebrating the death of a monster rat that terrorized their home. The 16-inch, 2.5-pound rodent broke into the house via the ventilation and heating system and set up squatter rights […]
Ladies, only move in with guys who own cats. They’ve already been trained to serve small, ungrateful creatures who think they own the place — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 25, 2014 Justin Bieber is awfully […]
Dear Lord, please tell my dad that removing his prosthetic leg, glass eye and false teeth won’t get him an AARP Zombie Apocalypse Senior Citizen’s discount, but it will keep the kids well behaved and […]
Things my 3-year-old said she wants to be today: 1) teacher 2) astronaut 3) Jedi 4) dinosaur Things she never wants to be: 1) quiet — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 9, 2014 My 1-year-old calls […]
If a female tennis star grunts, it’s OK, but if I do it, I’m “causing a scene at the air hockey table.” Now I’m banned from Chuck E. Cheese. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 15, […]
Me: I’m a bad boy. Wife: If you mean you’re bad at being a boy, then yes. Me: Wife: What? You have more estrogen than a yogurt commercial — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December […]
Thanks, lady at daycare who gave my 3-year-old a microphone for Christmas. Your anthrax is in the mail. — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 21, 2013 Me: Santa is pretend, just like zombies […]
3-year-old: Let’s play zombies Me: OK 3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby She tricked me into playing house — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 18, 2013 […]