Unicorn Bites 6/26/14
Me: I’m vacuuming. I’ll close the door so I don’t bother you. Wife: Thanks. Me: *turns on vacuum* *takes a nap* — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 26, 2014 4-year-old: How do birds fly? Me: Their […]
Tag: barbie
Unicorn Bites 2/23/14
My 1-year-old daughter said, “awesome,” and then put up her hand for a high-five. Apparently I’m raising a bro. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 24, 2014 Bad news would be easier to take if doctors […]
Unicorn Bites 1/2/14
My wife gives our 1-year-old constant love and attention. I gave her the sticker from an orange. Now I’m her favorite parent. — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 2, 2014 Sir Mix-a-Lot: "I like […]
Unicorn Bites 12/26/13
Me: Where’s Ken? 3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him. I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl. — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 26, 2013 […]
It’s Not My Fault! It’s the Elf on the Shelf!
How do you know it’s the day after Halloween? Every suburban strip mall blitzes red and green, and declares that evil is SO yesterday and all the cool people are now into elves and eggnog. […]
The New Barbie!
Have you heard about the new Barbie doll? In keeping with all the Hollywoodites who provide plastic surgeons with cushy cushy lifestyles, this doll is more contemporary than her predecessors – she comes with implants! […]
Unicorn Bites 9/9/13
In my 3-year-old’s dollhouse, a naked woman, a naked boy, and a tiger are all in the same bed. I assume alcohol was involved. — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 9, 2013 My wife:“Put […]
The Post Office Is the Happy Place to Be
I went to the post office to mail a package. I was expecting to wait in line, and I knew going into that building that the inevitable 20-minute wait would feel like four hours. In […]
What Are Male Turn Offs?
According to a photo article in the Huffington Post (which is an article aimed at readers who can’t read a lot of words), men have problems bonding with a woman whose house contains or exhibits […]
Barbie Bitch aka Kim Kardashian
I often get confused for a talented man with a sense of humor who has and an actual interest in what people say or do. I don’t know how it happens but it happens. Some people […]