Unicorn Bites #525
Me: What did I tell you about being bad?! 4-year-old: Don’t leave any witnesses. I guess she does listen. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 10, 2014 Coworker: I don’t like chocolate or bacon. Me: Interesting. […]
Me: What did I tell you about being bad?! 4-year-old: Don’t leave any witnesses. I guess she does listen. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 10, 2014 Coworker: I don’t like chocolate or bacon. Me: Interesting. […]
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial. Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra. — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 23, 2014 Navy recruiter: Any experience at […]
Dear Lord, please forgive my husband for his lack of respect. When asked by our Pastor why he hasn’t attended church service in over a year his reply was, “I’ve been attending a new church, […]
Wife: *cleans like crazy* Me: Calm down. It’s my mom coming over, not the pope. *my mom walks in with the pope* Wife: Mother fucker… — Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 16, 2014 My 1-year-old figured […]
A Vatican spokesman announced that any link between Pope Francis’ recent conciliatory comments regarding atheists, gays, abortion, and birth control and an accident where the Popemobile’s braking system appeared to malfunction is purely coincidental. The […]
Excelsis Fine Fragrances has released a new cologne entitled Francis after the Pope. Arriving just in time for the holidays, the fragrance company is expecting big sales for nothing is more attractive to a woman […]
A man impersonating a cardinal by wearing a frock and tying a purple scarf around his waist almost made it into the conclave to vote on the new pope. Despite the makeshift sash being the […]
Word has leaked that God has chosen the next pope. After much pontiff-icating he selected the Victor, whom we are told may not have been the most pope-u-lar choice. Tabloids have been speculating over whether […]